Gender Dysphoria
The subject I thought I’d cover today is gender dysphoria, which is really the only direct effect of being transgender but also, I think, explains a lot of how being transgender feels and why transgender people do certain things.
So, what is gender dysphoria? Wikipedia describes dysphoria as ‘a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction’ and gender dysphoria as ‘discomfort, unhappiness, or distress due to one's gender or physical sex’. Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria.
Gender dysphoria is something that most, but not all, transgender people experience. Research has now shown that transgender people, in the simplest possible terms, have a brain that has developed as the opposite sex to their biological one – most people can understand the basic concept here; I’m biologically male but I feel female. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? Well it goes far beyond that, and while it’s not the worst thing in the world, its effects are pretty terrible at times.
My gender dysphoria falls into the fairly standard – for a trans person – category. My brain, like everyone else’s, knows what I look like; my face, my body - everything about me. As far as my brain is concerned I’m female. My body unfortunately however is having none of that and has been doing its best to make me as male as it possibly can for the last 50 or so years; big hands and feet, broad shoulders, tall, hairy face, arms and legs and, yes, genitalia. (As an aside everyone seems to think that every trans person is some kind of free liberated soul– in reality I’m extremely shy, constantly embarrassed and prudish about it all .
This mismatch between what my brain knows I look like and how I actually look causes some pretty profound effects. The main one is a constant feeling that I’m just “not right”. This varies from a constant nagging feeling when my dysphoria is at its weakest to an almost overwhelming level of stress when it’s at its strongest. When it is at its highest level I feel trapped, panicky, shaky, I find it difficult to concentrate and feel desperate.
Sometimes I’ll feel complete disassociation with my body; one of the examples I use in my introduction to transgender sessions is when I used to have hairy arms and hands they didn’t feel like they were mine if I looked at them and that used to really freak me out. That’s why I got rid of the hair and grow my nails – it softens the gap between my brain and body images and makes me feel better.
At other times I just won’t recognise myself in the mirror – I’ll know it’s me but I can’t quite recognise that it’s me or, worse, I will recognise myself but I’ll feel complete disgust and horror at how my face looks especially my beard. There’ve been several times that I’ve shaved my face raw which is the reason that I’m getting my beard area lasered now.
The constant pressure of not being able to look how my brain wants me to is extremely draining, sometimes to the point of despair and exhaustion but it goes even further than how I look. In lots of ways, but not all, my brain is wired in a feminine way – I like fashion and clothes, I like shopping and I like expressing myself in a pretty way – all of which is off limits for a “man”.
I find shopping for men’s clothes soul destroying and bleak where I have a choice of navy, black or grey in about 3 styles. In lots of ways I react to things in what’s seen as a typically feminine way – or would do if I was allowed to – but instead I have to filter out what I’m feeling and thinking so I actually make out that I’m reacting as a man would.
It’s a huge mental juggling act done at breakneck speed in my head all the time; someone says something but instead of reacting instinctively I have to look at how I want to react, see whether it’s “bloke appropriate”, adjust accordingly and then do it. I’ve obviously had a lot of practice at it over the years, but I still get caught out and at times get flustered – one of the reasons that I avoid social situations where conversations are far more wide ranging and less in my control.
Gender dysphoria can be eased but not completely eradicated by being and expressing yourself as yourself, but that comes at the cost of pressure from others and society as you start breaking their rules on how you should be and how you should look.
For me personally it’s reached the point where I feel that I can’t keep making myself feel awful just for the sake of other people so I’m going to relax and just be myself – to hell with what anyone thinks. I’m going to grow my hair (should be an interesting 2 years stylistically speaking!) and do the things that make me feel ok with myself.
After 49 years I think I’ve earned that right and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing for people to accept.
Bobbi March 2018
So, what is gender dysphoria? Wikipedia describes dysphoria as ‘a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction’ and gender dysphoria as ‘discomfort, unhappiness, or distress due to one's gender or physical sex’. Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria.
Gender dysphoria is something that most, but not all, transgender people experience. Research has now shown that transgender people, in the simplest possible terms, have a brain that has developed as the opposite sex to their biological one – most people can understand the basic concept here; I’m biologically male but I feel female. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? Well it goes far beyond that, and while it’s not the worst thing in the world, its effects are pretty terrible at times.
My gender dysphoria falls into the fairly standard – for a trans person – category. My brain, like everyone else’s, knows what I look like; my face, my body - everything about me. As far as my brain is concerned I’m female. My body unfortunately however is having none of that and has been doing its best to make me as male as it possibly can for the last 50 or so years; big hands and feet, broad shoulders, tall, hairy face, arms and legs and, yes, genitalia. (As an aside everyone seems to think that every trans person is some kind of free liberated soul– in reality I’m extremely shy, constantly embarrassed and prudish about it all .
This mismatch between what my brain knows I look like and how I actually look causes some pretty profound effects. The main one is a constant feeling that I’m just “not right”. This varies from a constant nagging feeling when my dysphoria is at its weakest to an almost overwhelming level of stress when it’s at its strongest. When it is at its highest level I feel trapped, panicky, shaky, I find it difficult to concentrate and feel desperate.
Sometimes I’ll feel complete disassociation with my body; one of the examples I use in my introduction to transgender sessions is when I used to have hairy arms and hands they didn’t feel like they were mine if I looked at them and that used to really freak me out. That’s why I got rid of the hair and grow my nails – it softens the gap between my brain and body images and makes me feel better.
At other times I just won’t recognise myself in the mirror – I’ll know it’s me but I can’t quite recognise that it’s me or, worse, I will recognise myself but I’ll feel complete disgust and horror at how my face looks especially my beard. There’ve been several times that I’ve shaved my face raw which is the reason that I’m getting my beard area lasered now.
The constant pressure of not being able to look how my brain wants me to is extremely draining, sometimes to the point of despair and exhaustion but it goes even further than how I look. In lots of ways, but not all, my brain is wired in a feminine way – I like fashion and clothes, I like shopping and I like expressing myself in a pretty way – all of which is off limits for a “man”.
I find shopping for men’s clothes soul destroying and bleak where I have a choice of navy, black or grey in about 3 styles. In lots of ways I react to things in what’s seen as a typically feminine way – or would do if I was allowed to – but instead I have to filter out what I’m feeling and thinking so I actually make out that I’m reacting as a man would.
It’s a huge mental juggling act done at breakneck speed in my head all the time; someone says something but instead of reacting instinctively I have to look at how I want to react, see whether it’s “bloke appropriate”, adjust accordingly and then do it. I’ve obviously had a lot of practice at it over the years, but I still get caught out and at times get flustered – one of the reasons that I avoid social situations where conversations are far more wide ranging and less in my control.
Gender dysphoria can be eased but not completely eradicated by being and expressing yourself as yourself, but that comes at the cost of pressure from others and society as you start breaking their rules on how you should be and how you should look.
For me personally it’s reached the point where I feel that I can’t keep making myself feel awful just for the sake of other people so I’m going to relax and just be myself – to hell with what anyone thinks. I’m going to grow my hair (should be an interesting 2 years stylistically speaking!) and do the things that make me feel ok with myself.
After 49 years I think I’ve earned that right and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing for people to accept.
Bobbi March 2018