Suicide
The subject I wanted to cover today is darker and probably the most personal and difficult one for me to write – the effects of society’s discrimination of Trans people and the pressure put upon them to conform to the stereotypical rules of gender and expression.
I guess it’s difficult for me to write because it uncovers a lot of the things I’d rather not think about – how people’s and the media’s attitudes have affected me and the times when things have been so bleak that by far the best and easiest option was clearly oblivion.
I use the word “oblivion” very specifically – at those times life was so difficult that I certainly didn’t want to entertain the idea having to go through any kind of afterlife.
It’s a common misconception that suicide and depression are inextricably linked – you have to have both or neither. But that’s absolutely not the case. While I’ve been depressed, extremely down and felt worthless and bleak for lots of my life, I have never suffered from depression in a clinical sense. It doesn’t mean either that there haven’t been times in my life that haven’t been extraordinarily happy as well.
Being Transgender and contemplating/attempting suicide go together like very unhappy partners; 48% of Transgender individuals are recorded as attempting suicide in their lifetimes but this is just the tip of the iceberg; the number of people that actually end up in hospital and are officially recorded – recent studies have put the percentage of suicidal ideation (seriously planning your own death) in Transgender individuals at over 90%.
I’ve personally spoken to very few Trans people that haven’t either seriously considered it, attempted it or in a few cases gone through with it.
It’s important to understand that being Transgender is not what causes this huge suicide rate in Transgender people; it’s not being allowed to be Transgender, to be yourself, that causes such massive pressure, shame and personal burden that it makes life seem desperate and simply not worth living at times.
Since before my early teens it has felt like a constant battle to not give in to taking my own life. I often visualise it as struggling to stand at the top of a cliff with a rope around my waist and a huge weight hanging over the edge attached to the other end. It takes a lot of resilience and effort to stop sliding over.
While there's been times when I've been fantastically happy, especially with my wife and kids, there have been many times when I’ve seriously considered giving in, there have been two specific occasions when I came incredibly close to it.
The first was when I was 14 and the culmination of a few things led me to spend a night locked in my bedroom crying my eyes out – I was holding a knife and came so close to using it. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I didn’t but have no real answer, but when my alarm went off in the morning I simply put the knife down and went to school. There was no great epiphany that I wanted to live or anything, I just got dressed and struggled on with things.
The second occasion was around 4 years ago and took me by surprise; I thought that, even though it was always with me, I had it all under control.
Something happened that shattered every defence I’d put up and I found myself standing by a blind bend on a humpback bridge where I knew massive tipper lorries always sped far too fast – quick, efficient and easy.
I didn’t write a note because I wanted everyone to think it was an accident. The only reason that I didn’t take the last step (and I was close enough to the edge for a couple of lorries to blare their horns and the drivers to swear at me) was because I realised I hadn’t written out the songs I wanted at my funeral; I know that might sound funny but, being a musician, music is really important to me.
I decided to delay it for another day so I could sort that out and, I know this is going to sound cheesy, I heard a song by Sia –Titanium – that really resonated with me, it literally gave me that tiny spark I needed just to carry on.
It took me about 6 months to get back to feeling like “me” but that was really the start of me deciding that I needed to deal with things properly and get to a stage where I could be happy rather than making myself miserable trying to fit in with everyone else.
These days I’m happy to say that, probably for the first time in my adult life, I don’t feel the pull of that cliff edge anymore – and that is actually a wonderful thing; the first time that I’ve really felt at peace with myself. While that still seems strange to me – you don’t forget 45 years of not feeling good overnight - it’s a place that I want to stay.
One final point I wanted to cover is society’s view of those people that suffer from depression and suicide.
Obviously it’s not something limited to Transgender individuals; it’s widespread and common and generally viewed as a weakness or a flaw in the person’s character – yet another topic to treat with shame and avoid talking about.
These views are utter rubbish; depression can strike anyone; suicidal thoughts can affect anyone – no matter who you are or how strong you are - and it’s about time society understood that. In all honesty those individuals that have faced depression and suicide and have come through are among the strongest and most balanced people that you will meet – they have pushed themselves to the furthest emotional extremes; they know their boundaries; they are extremely self-aware of what they can and can’t do and they know how to handle stress and anxiety. That’s not a weakness or flaw – that’s a huge asset.
https://projectsemicolon.com/
https://www.samaritans.org/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg
I guess it’s difficult for me to write because it uncovers a lot of the things I’d rather not think about – how people’s and the media’s attitudes have affected me and the times when things have been so bleak that by far the best and easiest option was clearly oblivion.
I use the word “oblivion” very specifically – at those times life was so difficult that I certainly didn’t want to entertain the idea having to go through any kind of afterlife.
It’s a common misconception that suicide and depression are inextricably linked – you have to have both or neither. But that’s absolutely not the case. While I’ve been depressed, extremely down and felt worthless and bleak for lots of my life, I have never suffered from depression in a clinical sense. It doesn’t mean either that there haven’t been times in my life that haven’t been extraordinarily happy as well.
Being Transgender and contemplating/attempting suicide go together like very unhappy partners; 48% of Transgender individuals are recorded as attempting suicide in their lifetimes but this is just the tip of the iceberg; the number of people that actually end up in hospital and are officially recorded – recent studies have put the percentage of suicidal ideation (seriously planning your own death) in Transgender individuals at over 90%.
I’ve personally spoken to very few Trans people that haven’t either seriously considered it, attempted it or in a few cases gone through with it.
It’s important to understand that being Transgender is not what causes this huge suicide rate in Transgender people; it’s not being allowed to be Transgender, to be yourself, that causes such massive pressure, shame and personal burden that it makes life seem desperate and simply not worth living at times.
Since before my early teens it has felt like a constant battle to not give in to taking my own life. I often visualise it as struggling to stand at the top of a cliff with a rope around my waist and a huge weight hanging over the edge attached to the other end. It takes a lot of resilience and effort to stop sliding over.
While there's been times when I've been fantastically happy, especially with my wife and kids, there have been many times when I’ve seriously considered giving in, there have been two specific occasions when I came incredibly close to it.
The first was when I was 14 and the culmination of a few things led me to spend a night locked in my bedroom crying my eyes out – I was holding a knife and came so close to using it. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I didn’t but have no real answer, but when my alarm went off in the morning I simply put the knife down and went to school. There was no great epiphany that I wanted to live or anything, I just got dressed and struggled on with things.
The second occasion was around 4 years ago and took me by surprise; I thought that, even though it was always with me, I had it all under control.
Something happened that shattered every defence I’d put up and I found myself standing by a blind bend on a humpback bridge where I knew massive tipper lorries always sped far too fast – quick, efficient and easy.
I didn’t write a note because I wanted everyone to think it was an accident. The only reason that I didn’t take the last step (and I was close enough to the edge for a couple of lorries to blare their horns and the drivers to swear at me) was because I realised I hadn’t written out the songs I wanted at my funeral; I know that might sound funny but, being a musician, music is really important to me.
I decided to delay it for another day so I could sort that out and, I know this is going to sound cheesy, I heard a song by Sia –Titanium – that really resonated with me, it literally gave me that tiny spark I needed just to carry on.
It took me about 6 months to get back to feeling like “me” but that was really the start of me deciding that I needed to deal with things properly and get to a stage where I could be happy rather than making myself miserable trying to fit in with everyone else.
These days I’m happy to say that, probably for the first time in my adult life, I don’t feel the pull of that cliff edge anymore – and that is actually a wonderful thing; the first time that I’ve really felt at peace with myself. While that still seems strange to me – you don’t forget 45 years of not feeling good overnight - it’s a place that I want to stay.
One final point I wanted to cover is society’s view of those people that suffer from depression and suicide.
Obviously it’s not something limited to Transgender individuals; it’s widespread and common and generally viewed as a weakness or a flaw in the person’s character – yet another topic to treat with shame and avoid talking about.
These views are utter rubbish; depression can strike anyone; suicidal thoughts can affect anyone – no matter who you are or how strong you are - and it’s about time society understood that. In all honesty those individuals that have faced depression and suicide and have come through are among the strongest and most balanced people that you will meet – they have pushed themselves to the furthest emotional extremes; they know their boundaries; they are extremely self-aware of what they can and can’t do and they know how to handle stress and anxiety. That’s not a weakness or flaw – that’s a huge asset.
https://projectsemicolon.com/
https://www.samaritans.org/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg