Transitioning
I decided to finally take the leap and transition in late 2017 and it seems strange to be writing about it as though I’m some sort of expert when I’m in the middle of going through it and frankly making it up as I go. I expect this will be the first in a few articles on the subject because transitioning is, for me and every other transgender person, a huge topic but also one that personally varies for each individual.
The biggest misconception about transitioning is that it is a single thing; Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) also called Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) or if you’ve not progressed forward in your language since 1972 “the sex change”. While SRS can be an option for many transgender people not all opt for it.
So, what is transitioning? Hopefully by now everyone should know from earlier articles that the only real side effect of being transgender is gender dysphoria. You can think of gender dysphoria as the personal stress and anguish a transgender person experiences due to their gender and biological sex not matching. While everyone has an inner picture of how they look (and should look) transgender individuals’ inner picture does not match how they physically look.
Transitioning is anything a transgender person does to bring their physical self more in line with how their brain expects them to look and so reduce their dysphoria. This can take many forms and varies incredibly from individual to individual.
To understand the various options available, we can split transitioning into three large areas; superficial, permanent and social.
Superficial transitioning is as it sounds; something an individual does that, whilst it may be significant, it is reversible. For male to female transgender (mtf) individuals this might be growing their hair, removing body hair, voice therapy, growing and painting their nails etc. For female to male (ftm) this might include adopting a masculine hair style, wearing a binder to make breasts less obvious etc. Non-binary transgender people (people that feel their gender does not fit into either masculine or feminine categories, for instance Agender or gender fluid) might change any aspect about their appearance to reduce the dysphoria they experience and make themselves feel more settled with their bodies.
Permanent transitioning steps are those that are irreversible, or extremely difficult to reverse. In light of this there are several formal steps that a transgender person must go through before they can start any of them. These steps include both physical and psychological examinations and sometimes a defined set of criteria required before the transgender person can start on different treatments. Types of permanent transitioning includes hair removal by laser and electrolysis, Hormone Replacement therapy (HRT) which gives the individual the hormone (estrogen or testosterone) of the gender that they identify as. It also includes a whole range of possible surgeries that individuals might choose – breast removal or augmentation, facial feminisation, orchidectomy (testes removal), hysterectomy (womb removal) and of course SRS. I’ll cover both HRT and SRS in more detail in a later article.
Social transitioning is something that is just as challenging and overlooked by many people. This involves an individual “coming out” to families, friends and colleagues, expressing as the gender they identify as and taking that gender role in society. This is an incredibly stressful thing for transgender people to do, especially transwomen. Society has, for everyone, a mean streak if you don’t “fit in” to what is commonly accepted to be “right and good”. This is nowhere more evident than online where there is terrible abuse happening all the time, but it also happens, more rarely, in “real” life as well. While this isn’t confined just to transgender people – you only have to look at the comments about people that might be overweight or have a challenge physically or mentally to know it is far more widespread – the lack of contact that many people have with an openly transgender person means that they can be met with fear, suspicion or anger. Familiarity doesn’t build contempt, it builds reassurance and complacency.
As I mentioned I’ll cover each of the separate types of transitioning in separate articles but hopefully this has given an indication of just how huge and complex an area it really is.
So, what about me and how I’m transitioning? Well there’s some things I’ve done, some things on going and others that I simply haven’t made my mind up about.
I’ve decided that I want to take my time at each step and see how I feel, it’s not something you want to get wrong, believe me. I also want to avoid any surgery if I don’t feel I absolutely need it, not just because I have a strong aversion to anyone a wielding a scalpel but because I need to weigh up what benefit I’d get from each surgery, the recovery time, the cost and in some cases the ongoing repercussions of the procedures. I want to just feel comfortable as me and if I don’t need surgery to achieve that then I won’t have it.
So, what have I done? Well on a superficial front I’m growing my hair, I haven’t had it cut for about 15 months now and it’s getting pretty long. I also dye it, obviously not because I’m old and grey but solely because I want to 😊 I’ve grown my nails for years (people always thought it was because I was a musician). This week actually is the first week that I’ve ditched the suits and come to work with a more androgynous look, black jeans and black polo neck. I call it “Weird Jazz Musician” – laughing always helps me especially when I’ve so stressed and self-conscious about it.
On the more permanent front, I had my ears pierced years ago, but I’ve started wearing earrings, I’ve had laser on my arms and legs to remove the hair and I’ve started having electrolysis on my face to remove my beard. Facial electrolysis is by far the most horrible physical thing I’ve ever experienced. Not only can I not shave for 4 days beforehand which makes me feel dreadful but having a needle inserted into each hair, heated up and then having the hair plucked out is as painful as it sounds. So, at the moment, I have 4 days of not shaving, 2 hours of excruciating pain then 3 days where my face is swollen up like a hamster. I’ve been avoiding mirrors.
I started HRT (estrogen and testosterone blockers) last May; they haven’t quite sorted out the right “levels” yet but it’s definitely having an effect. My face has changed, I can’t quite put my finger on how, but it definitely has (I’ll post some before and now photos in the next articles for your general merriment and amusement) and, for the first time in 30 years or so my body has changed shape which felt far more strange that I expected. I’ve got a bigger bum and thighs and yes, breasts (at least the start of them) which I’m simultaneously happy/proud/embarrassed/self-conscious of.
That’s about it for now – I’m just letting things take their course and seeing how I feel. At the minute I feel pretty good interspersed with moments of dread, panic and feelings of being flung far and away outside my comfort zone.
I’ve developed a mantra “SFW” – “So .erm..Flaming..What” for when I’m feeling really uncomfortable that I mutter under my breath.
Along with singing “Stop this Train” by John Mayer as I wander round Sainsbury’s – hey if you’re going to get funny looks you may as well do it with style!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YRl54zq_2M
The biggest misconception about transitioning is that it is a single thing; Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) also called Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) or if you’ve not progressed forward in your language since 1972 “the sex change”. While SRS can be an option for many transgender people not all opt for it.
So, what is transitioning? Hopefully by now everyone should know from earlier articles that the only real side effect of being transgender is gender dysphoria. You can think of gender dysphoria as the personal stress and anguish a transgender person experiences due to their gender and biological sex not matching. While everyone has an inner picture of how they look (and should look) transgender individuals’ inner picture does not match how they physically look.
Transitioning is anything a transgender person does to bring their physical self more in line with how their brain expects them to look and so reduce their dysphoria. This can take many forms and varies incredibly from individual to individual.
To understand the various options available, we can split transitioning into three large areas; superficial, permanent and social.
Superficial transitioning is as it sounds; something an individual does that, whilst it may be significant, it is reversible. For male to female transgender (mtf) individuals this might be growing their hair, removing body hair, voice therapy, growing and painting their nails etc. For female to male (ftm) this might include adopting a masculine hair style, wearing a binder to make breasts less obvious etc. Non-binary transgender people (people that feel their gender does not fit into either masculine or feminine categories, for instance Agender or gender fluid) might change any aspect about their appearance to reduce the dysphoria they experience and make themselves feel more settled with their bodies.
Permanent transitioning steps are those that are irreversible, or extremely difficult to reverse. In light of this there are several formal steps that a transgender person must go through before they can start any of them. These steps include both physical and psychological examinations and sometimes a defined set of criteria required before the transgender person can start on different treatments. Types of permanent transitioning includes hair removal by laser and electrolysis, Hormone Replacement therapy (HRT) which gives the individual the hormone (estrogen or testosterone) of the gender that they identify as. It also includes a whole range of possible surgeries that individuals might choose – breast removal or augmentation, facial feminisation, orchidectomy (testes removal), hysterectomy (womb removal) and of course SRS. I’ll cover both HRT and SRS in more detail in a later article.
Social transitioning is something that is just as challenging and overlooked by many people. This involves an individual “coming out” to families, friends and colleagues, expressing as the gender they identify as and taking that gender role in society. This is an incredibly stressful thing for transgender people to do, especially transwomen. Society has, for everyone, a mean streak if you don’t “fit in” to what is commonly accepted to be “right and good”. This is nowhere more evident than online where there is terrible abuse happening all the time, but it also happens, more rarely, in “real” life as well. While this isn’t confined just to transgender people – you only have to look at the comments about people that might be overweight or have a challenge physically or mentally to know it is far more widespread – the lack of contact that many people have with an openly transgender person means that they can be met with fear, suspicion or anger. Familiarity doesn’t build contempt, it builds reassurance and complacency.
As I mentioned I’ll cover each of the separate types of transitioning in separate articles but hopefully this has given an indication of just how huge and complex an area it really is.
So, what about me and how I’m transitioning? Well there’s some things I’ve done, some things on going and others that I simply haven’t made my mind up about.
I’ve decided that I want to take my time at each step and see how I feel, it’s not something you want to get wrong, believe me. I also want to avoid any surgery if I don’t feel I absolutely need it, not just because I have a strong aversion to anyone a wielding a scalpel but because I need to weigh up what benefit I’d get from each surgery, the recovery time, the cost and in some cases the ongoing repercussions of the procedures. I want to just feel comfortable as me and if I don’t need surgery to achieve that then I won’t have it.
So, what have I done? Well on a superficial front I’m growing my hair, I haven’t had it cut for about 15 months now and it’s getting pretty long. I also dye it, obviously not because I’m old and grey but solely because I want to 😊 I’ve grown my nails for years (people always thought it was because I was a musician). This week actually is the first week that I’ve ditched the suits and come to work with a more androgynous look, black jeans and black polo neck. I call it “Weird Jazz Musician” – laughing always helps me especially when I’ve so stressed and self-conscious about it.
On the more permanent front, I had my ears pierced years ago, but I’ve started wearing earrings, I’ve had laser on my arms and legs to remove the hair and I’ve started having electrolysis on my face to remove my beard. Facial electrolysis is by far the most horrible physical thing I’ve ever experienced. Not only can I not shave for 4 days beforehand which makes me feel dreadful but having a needle inserted into each hair, heated up and then having the hair plucked out is as painful as it sounds. So, at the moment, I have 4 days of not shaving, 2 hours of excruciating pain then 3 days where my face is swollen up like a hamster. I’ve been avoiding mirrors.
I started HRT (estrogen and testosterone blockers) last May; they haven’t quite sorted out the right “levels” yet but it’s definitely having an effect. My face has changed, I can’t quite put my finger on how, but it definitely has (I’ll post some before and now photos in the next articles for your general merriment and amusement) and, for the first time in 30 years or so my body has changed shape which felt far more strange that I expected. I’ve got a bigger bum and thighs and yes, breasts (at least the start of them) which I’m simultaneously happy/proud/embarrassed/self-conscious of.
That’s about it for now – I’m just letting things take their course and seeing how I feel. At the minute I feel pretty good interspersed with moments of dread, panic and feelings of being flung far and away outside my comfort zone.
I’ve developed a mantra “SFW” – “So .erm..Flaming..What” for when I’m feeling really uncomfortable that I mutter under my breath.
Along with singing “Stop this Train” by John Mayer as I wander round Sainsbury’s – hey if you’re going to get funny looks you may as well do it with style!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YRl54zq_2M